“THIS IS JUST LIKE TELEVISION, ONLY YOU CAN SEE MUCH FURTHER.”

By Peter M. De Lorenzo

Detroit. Ah yes, the cold winds and obligatory doom and gloom of January have descended on the “emerging” Metropolis called the Motor City, and it is good. And achingly appropriate. Despite the record-setting sales numbers and unbridled optimism, those who have been around for a while can’t quite escape from the nagging sense of trepidation looming in the shadows, the innate sense that suggests that it could go from “all good!” to “oh no!” at any moment.

And on the eve of another Detroit Auto Show, with the swirling maelstrom as writ large here in the Motor City a kaleidoscope of every possible emotion and possible scenario, it’s achingly appropriate as well because that’s part of the rocket ride that defines this business and if it were any different, then we’d really begin to worry.

As for the quote above - from the treasured movie “Being There” – it pretty much captures the prevailing mood enveloping the business right now, because we’re at the starting gate of a brand-new year and the assembled media multitudes are all racing to make predictions about what’s next, even though they're too often in search of a clue.

And the prognostication cottage industry being what it is, the musings being spewed about the automobile business are indeed mind-boggling, with self proclaimed “experts” and amateur industry pundits joining together with the legendarily self-absorbed in the automotive media in busting a gut in the race to describe what will happen and what the hot stories will be in the coming months. Part of this is driven by editors cajoling their troops to get off of their asses and do something for the start of the New Year, but most of it is pure, unfiltered ego. And that’s perfectly appropriate, too, given the fact that the automobile business is the most ego-driven pursuit on earth, this side of Hollywood and Washington, D.C., of course.

That we’ll see a smattering of “Auto Executives Who Should Know Better” make complete fools of themselves next week down at Cobo Hall is the one prediction that is as sure as a bunch of NFL coaches getting fired this week. When you specialize in bullshit sales promises based on nothing more than wishful thinking and a prayer - even though it has become the obligatory dance at auto shows – stupid pronouncements are bound to happen. But then again, with the hordes of PR minions in tow, trying to spin the fantasy before and after the fact and telling their charges “it went really well today,” it’s no wonder that Delusion Creep is one of the sideshows at the Detroit Auto Show.

There will be new models galore of course, as the assembled car companies’ jockey to present their latest wares in the cacophony that is Cobo, hoping that everyone, or at least someone, is impressed. Or even listening.

Thankfully, it’s pretty easy to discern the various presentations from one another. The German manufacturers lecture, like they’re talking to the village peasants gathered for their monthly slog-and-flog, while reminding everyone that they started this whole business, as is their wont. This is usually introduced by some odd musical interaction akin to Mike Meyers’ Sprockets SNL routine. Afterwards, the peasants in the media drift away muttering “Why?” yet again.

GM is all earnest and cheery, with Queen Mary sounding like she’s reading the morning announcements at the local high school, while Alan Batey shouts like he isn’t wearing a microphone while touting Chevrolet’s latest successes. And it's all just stupidly swell.

The Japanese car companies go out of their way to distance themselves from the fact that they are, in fact, Japanese car companies. To do this they trot out their American subjects, er, executives, to deliver the news. Righteous and uplifting it ain’t.

And the Koreans matter-of-factly describe how they will rule the world, as everyone looks at their watches wondering when lunch is. Perfect.

And the questions will come hard and fast.

Has Acura finally turned the corner? The long, drawn-out reveal of the mid-engined NSX sports car has been excruciating to watch, and the new car is shockingly porky for a Honda-engineered car, no matter how much technology is crammed into it. As I said at the end of last year, the powers that be at Acura seem to think that by ladling on large amounts of gee-whiz “stuff” they can deliver a genuine driving difference with real conquest appeal, even though they’ve demonstrated repeatedly that they can’t. Will this year be any different? Are the Lions going to the Super Bowl?

And Audi, BMW and Mercedes-Benz will be hell-bent on distancing themselves from the VW fiasco - and the sizable hit to Germany Inc.’s vaunted reputation for engineering - the only way they know how, and that is by throwing more models and more technology into the market. Creating niches in the market – both real and imagined – has become a specialty of the front-line German manufacturers as they continue to parse the market into segments that only they understand, with their showrooms becoming a jangled mess in the process. I expect the Detroit show stands to be so jam-packed with their entries that people will just stumble away shaking their heads in awe – or disgust – whichever comes first. Editing their brilliant thought balloons has never occurred to the German luxury manufacturers, especially now. (The upcoming Audi Q2 is just the latest evidence of that.)

But make no mistake, the technology play that the German luxury manufacturers are embarking on will be seriously impressive, as they focus their engineering know-how and full technical might on extended-range hybrids, plug-in electrics and full electric powertrains. The Germans understand that their reputation is on the line, and they have collectively decided – due in large measure to fuel economy and emissions regulations, of course – that it will be redefined by the most advanced technology they can muster. The German luxury manufacturers are out to assert their role as the technological leaders of this industry, and who’s to say they can’t, or won’t?

As for GM and its roster of “independent” divisions – as if – the questions never go away, they just hang there in the gathering mist. Will Chevrolet finally make measurable inroads with its freshened Volt? Will the all-electric Bolt be the real deal? The Volt is an impressive next-generation car, but whether or not Chevy marketers can do anything different with it than they have in the past is highly questionable. Because "GM Marketing" continues to be one of the lead oxymorons of this business. And let me be right upfront here by saying that the Bolt – or Bolt “LG” as we like to call it – better deliver everything they say it will and more because if it doesn’t, GM will be embarrassed. And this is one car company that can’t afford any more embarrassment.

Speaking of embarrassment, Buick will show its new, built-in-China Envision crossover, which it is bringing to this market. This comes hard on the heels of the latest contract negotiations with the UAW, and not all that long after the U.S. taxpayer bailout of the company. I’m sure no one in the GM executive hierarchy will discuss the - ahem - questionable image resonance going on with this development, pointing to the fact that this is a global market and all, but still. (I’m confident at least that Buick will continue to do the industry’s most excruciatingly lame advertising by far, so there’s that to look forward to.)

And Cadillac will continue its three-steps forward and five-step back dance of mediocrity as well. In fact, I don’t know what to call it anymore, exactly. The ATS and CTS are slow sellers; the promising XT5 crossover and CT6 sedan are six months away. But Cadillac’s new “flagship-sedan-until-we-come-out-with-the-real-one” doesn’t have enough image oomph from a design standpoint. And my gut tells me the new Lincoln Continental does, even though it’s technically inferior. It should be better than that, right? What’s hot at Cadillac? The Escalade is the one vehicle Cadillac makes that attracts well-heeled import buyers in droves. Thus it's the Inconvenient Dichotomy that continues unabated at Cadillac.

At least the True Believers in GM Product Development continue to churn out hot Corvettes, Camaros and the V-Series Cadillacs.

As for the rest? Ford is going to tout its “connectedness” and as much Ford GT, Mustang and F-150 as they can muster, as well as a surprise or two. Honda and Toyota will do Honda and Toyota things, with a heavy dose of green smothered on top. Hyundai will roll out its newly-monikered Genesis division in boasts and brags, but it would not surprise me that in three years time we will be talking about Hyundai in a much different light. And it will go on and on from there.

Suffice to say that Cobo Hall will be teeming with the “New!” and the “Breakthrough!” and “The new leader in its segment!” (along with the myriad other “leaders” in the same segments, but who’s counting?).

And so it goes. One thing that you can be certain of is that the crossover frenzy that is totally engulfing this industry shows no signs of cooling. How hot are crossovers? I will give you one statistic that says it all: 40 percent of the BMWs sold in this market this year, according to BMW CEO Ludwig Willisch in an Automotive News interview, will be crossovers. 40 percent. Uh, yikes.

And yes, in case you were wondering, I couldn’t start this New Year without a mention of the industry’s favorite carpetbagging mercenary and summa cum laude graduate of Unctuous Prick University (see below –WG), Sergio “I’m the Greatest Of All Time” Marchionne, aka “The User Of All He Surveys.” Now that Sergio has his tentacles firmly around the throat of Ferrari, whatever you thought you knew about the iconic Italian sports car brand is about to change, and irrevocably so too. As he told the Wall Street types last October, according to The Detroit Free Press: “I think it would be really a crying shame if we did not find a way to extract additional value from a brand as unique as Ferrari. Without impacting on the exclusivity and the uniqueness of the car brand, we need to find a way to build business around this to leverage it and use it properly.”

Hmm, leverage it and use it properly? In Sergio’s mind this translates into more Ferrari theme parks and more Ferrari-branded luxury goods, in the direction of Louis Vuitton, Prada and Hermes. WTF? Yes, you read that correctly. Now we can all look forward to the Biggest Tools in the Shed puttering around in their Ferraris, sporting Ferrari gear, looking exactly like the shockingly vacuous vampires they appear to be, fulfilling every negative stereotype newly associated with a once-proud and noble brand, thanks to Marchionne. And he’s bound and determined to mess up Formula 1 - and Ferrari’s involvement in F1 - while he’s at it, too, which all adds up to a giant stromboli of Not Good.

Ah well, nothing ever changes in this business. The charlatans, parasites and the Greed Merchants too often rule the day, and thus it was ever so. At least there will be plenty to write about in the coming weeks and months.

And that’s the High-Octane Truth for this week.

Check out the latest episode of The High-Octane Truth on AutoextremistTV below. -WG

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