No. 744,
April 23, 2014

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Wednesday
Apr282010

ROAD KILL

April 28, 2010


Still crazy in Austin...

By Dr. Bud E. Bryan

Austin.
Yeah, I'm still alive, as if anyone really gives two shits. I just had to surface after Peter got his hands on that Bentley Continental Supersports. It was the one time in recent memory that I wished I had been in the Motor City even though he only had it for like, half a day. Sounds like a Bud-Rod to me with its Black/Black livery and Black wheels. After all, if you're going to go for it, you might as well Go Big or Go Home as we like to say here at AE.

Which got me to thinkin' - yeah, I know, I know, not a value-added activity given my past performances - but nevertheless we better latch on to some of these high-performance machines while we can. Does that mean that I think there won't be high-performance cars in our future? Oh, hell no, there will be plenty, it's just that the cost will keep goin' up and the availability will keep goin' down. We've joked around here in the past about China and India hitting their muscle car phase just about the time we hit our pod car stage, but the more time goes by the more it seems that's exactly what will happen. All the good, hard-to-get stuff is going to be going over there, while we'll have to claw for scraps around here. At least we'll have our domestic auto players to rely on for at least a few high-performance machines (I hope).

And by the time the hand-wringers and the zero-emissions zombies get through doing their thing in California and Washington, we'll be a third-world country when it comes to our transportation choices anyway. Count on it. Yeah, I know, these things go in cycles, but we're heading for a real bad patch, I can just feel it in my bones, so a 621HP Bentley Continental Supersports or a 621HP anything for that matter sounds just about perfect to me. Ah well, enough about that. I figure we'll always be able to find a small or big block V8 to stuff into something, so I'm not all that worried.

Some of you are probably wondering what the hell I've been up to of late, and basically I've been trying to get the damn book finished but I keep getting in my own way. Or better yet,  "things" just keep getting in the way, as in, trying to keep the peace among Jolene, Janey and Nadine. That's a damn full-time job unto itself, I gotta tell ya'.

Besides, just when things were starting to ease back into kind of a decent flow - well, except for a few notable hiccups, screaming fits and silent days - Jesse James goes and pulls his tatoo-huntin' stunt, which unleashed a fury of anti-guy-ism down here. I mean, wow. Jolene, Jolene's friend, Annie, Janey, Nadine, hell, just about every female I've encountered was up in arms over that and weighed-in vociferously about it. And I gotta admit, I got nothin' for ol' Jesse on that one. I mean, Sandra vs. the Tatoo Queen? You gotta be frickin' kiddin' me, pal.

At any rate, I'll give you a flavor of the comments over the last month or so.

Nadine at lunch: "You know y'all are just dawgs, " as she drew out the d-a-w-g-s in her full sophisticated Texas-girl twang. "Y'all hit the wall somewhere around 17 and you just stop progressing right then and there. Nora Ephron was right. You assholes would have sex with a venetian blind if you thought it would work. Y'all are pathetic..."

Or Jolene and Annie in full rant at dinner with Tom and I (which was a giant enchilada of Not Good, btw)...

Jolene: "I mean, really? Chasing that skank when you have one of the most beautiful, smart and most together women in the world I can think of at home who adores you? The guy's got a screw loose. Moron."

Annie: "You're all just junkyard dawgs. You are. If it weren't for the fact that we pick you up and dust you off, make sure you're fed, and fuck your brains out once in a while you'd return to your natural state of pissing in the wind and farting yourself to sleep. You're pretty much all despicable. There's a reason they make vibrators you know."

Janey: "Tell me, Bud. What is the difference between you and Jesse? Is there one, really? Sometimes I think if you were left to your own devices you'd be right there with him, waking up in some coed's dorm room on a Sunday morning trying to pretend you weren't the most disgusting, low life, miserable-excuse-for-a-man on earth. When this kind of stuff happens it makes us all wonder. It does."

Ouch, Baby.

Let me just say, when man vs. woman shit of this type blows-up in our little universe it's best to not say much of anything at all. I mean, what can we say when one of our own goes off the reservation - way off the reservation - lookin' in the direction of nowhere good and lookin' for something he has no business getting near? Let's face, it, we - as men - got nothin' for it so it's best not to say anything inflammatory, like - "well, I can kinda see it" - and instead just sit there and take our medicine. At least I could get Nadine laughing about it. The others? Shit. You'd think it was them who were right in there with Sandy. Y-i-k-e-s.

In other news, Jolene went back to L.A. a week ago for a three-week gig and I think she's coming back. I think. We've been getting along just fine, for the most part, except when the subject of Janey comes up, which I try to prevent from happening whenever possible. She doesn't much cotton to me having Janey waitin' in the wings while we're allegedly trying to work things out. I know, I know, I can't say that I can blame her. Duh.

And on the other side of things Janey is slowly but surely putting the screws to me, getting closer and closer to giving me the boot for all manner of transgressions, the biggest of which, of course, is my insistence on entertaining the thought of getting back with Jolene on a permanent basis. Gee, these gals can be so unreasonable. (I ducked when I wrote that just in case there was a long distance slap headed my way by ESP).

And Nadine? She just laughs and said the other day, "I swear, Bud, if you ever stopped thinkin' with your dick for one minute you'd be dangerous. But I must say I continue to be amused and amazed at the continuous shit storm you operate in. I mean when you're gone they oughtta study your brain for science or somethin' to find out how one man could have possibly juggled all of that female-generated noise in one brain. Sweetheart, you are a damn piece of work, but you make me laugh. And if you weren't around I'd be bored to damn death."

So, there you have it. Janey and I are gettin' back to be on more than just speaking terms if you know what I mean. Nadine and I are drinkin' buddies again (actually, we never stopped and I don't think Jolene believed for a second I went to Home Depot on Wednesday afternoons, especially when I came home smellin' like margaritas).

And my special friend? Well sir, she's very, very special still.

Oh what a crazy, crazy world.