May 14, 2008

The more you know, the more you just never know.

By Dr. Bud E. Bryan

Austin, Texas. The last time I left off, I must admit things weren't lookin' all that good. We survived the confrontation with Nadine alright for the most part, and Jolene was surprisingly cool with things the next morning. I'm thinking she got it all out of her system and wanted to move on, which was fine with me, so she didn't mention anything about the episode - instead she talked about what she had going on for the day and that was that. That was a big relief, let me tell you, because I had zero to say about it. That's probably because I knew the rest of the story, and needless to say, I was a little on edge - make that a lot on edge.

It's one thing to have an occasional unprovoked Nadine attack to deal with, I mean we all live in this town and it's bound to happen on occasion. But it's quite another to know that she's literally a loose cannon - out of her house and away from Charles - with her thoughts firmly focused on me. So while Jolene was off doing errands I busied myself with my book, which has become harder to work on by the day. When I'm so close to finishing the damn thing I don't know why the last of it seems to be taking forever, but it is. At any rate, the morning flew by, and then my cell phone rang. Yup, it was Nadine.

"Hey, Bud."

"Hey."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm talking to you only long enough to tell you that you can't be calling me. Jolene happens to be out, but what the hell are you doing?"

"I just wanted to talk."

"Did you hear from Charles?

"Yes, about fifteen voicemail messages, but I'm not speaking to him."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"I got that, but it's not your concern now, is it?

"Well, when you call me and say things to me like you did last night, I guess it is my concern."

"I just want to talk, that's all."

I knew this Nadine, and I've seen all the different Nadines over the years, trust me. And this was the Nadine that's well - vulnerable isn't the word for it by any stretch - but certainly introspective and definitely serious. And she draws you in with this mode as much as she does with her Texas Hellcat persona.

"Okay, then talk." She knew I was trying real hard to be gruff, but it really wasn't workin'.

"I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just so sick of playing the role of Perfect Little Country Club Wife I can't f---ing stand it. And Charles just doesn't know what to do when I go off on the whole thing because he just wants me to go along with the program. That was part of our "deal" so to speak when we got married. But I'm tired of it, Bud. I'm bored to tears, and it's just killing me. I want our life back. We used to have so damn much fun."

Ouch. I so didn't want her to go there. I didn't really know what to say, but while I was momentarily trying to come up with something, she kept on.

"I'm jealous, Bud. I'm jealous of what you and Jolene have, and it drives me crazy when I dwell on things to think that I blew us up and if it weren't for that, we'd still be together living our life."

"Nadine, we've been over and over and over this so many damn times now. What happened, happened and there's nothin' we can do or say that's going to change anything. You need to go back home and shake Charles up a little bit. I mean, I thought the guy was devoid of a pulse until yesterday, but at least he gets pissed about something. So go home and start tellin' him what you want to be different. Get away from the damn club. Go away on vacation somewhere. Get him out of his tired old money-making routine. I mean, come on, you know how to handle him. And even if he changes only for a little while, at least you got somethin' out of it."

"Your Voice of Reason mode sucks. I mean, What the f--- do you care whether I get back with him or not?"

"Well, maybe I don't give a shit, now that you mention it. But I can't blow things up with Jolene either. I mean, one more episode and I'm gonna be history with her. And I'm being straight with you, I don't want that to happen."

"Well, why can't we be friends like before? I mean I'll get my own place again, and we'll go back to doing that."

"That sounds good on paper Nadine, but then you go pull one of your stunts and damn near send my ass to divorce court every damn time, so forgive me for not exactly jumping up and down with joy at the prospect."

Thankfully, she had a call come in.

"It's Charles. I guess I better take it this time. I'll email you later."

Whew. That conversation needed to end. What can I say? The woman makes me sweat. I don't know what it is, but she just does. Just then Jolene came back and suggested we run out to a movie. At that point anything that removed me from the thought of Nadine lurking around sounded like a fabulous idea, and since we prefer matinees over the crowds at night, it was a perfect idea. And "Iron Man" was the perfect movie to take us somewhere else too.

The rest of the day went well. Jolene was relaxed, like she had a giant weight off her shoulders, and I was just goin' with the flow, glad she wasn't dwelling on yesterday.

We stopped at El Arroyo for a light snack after the movie, and we were gettin' back in our groove. We had a few margaritas and Jolene was in a fine mood, so life was on the way to bein' good again. It's funny how couples who've known each other a long time can sort of fix bad things between them by moving on and just doing stuff that you do. You kind of figure out when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em, I guess. I mean, Jolene and I could have both gotten into it with each other for different reasons over yesterday's incident, but after all this time we kind of know when it's not really worth it.

When we got back, Jolene watched some of her shows on TV while I went to my office and did some more work. I checked on her after the last show and she had fallen asleep on the couch, so I got her to get up and go to bed, while I went back to my office.

Sure enough, another email from "the serious Nadine" had come in.

Bud - I'm back home. Not really because I want to be here but because I've decided to bide my time for a while and see how things go. Charles is falling all over himself being overly attentive, which is damn near making me sick, but it is what it is and we'll see. Don't think for a minute that anything's changed with how I feel about things. I refuse to go to my grave wondering if we could ever work things out again, so I'm going to keep my eyes open for properties that interest me, and I'm going to keep my eye on you. You haven't seen or heard the last from me, Bud. I am determined to get you to give us one more chance, somehow and some way. Not exactly what you wanted to hear, I'm sure, but since you guys are always talking about the High Octane Truth at your little boy's club you got going over there, I thought I'd give it to you in terms you can clearly understand. And the High Octane Truth about this is that you still have feelings for me. You try hard to cover them up by playing the tough guy with me, but I know you too well, Bud, and it isn't working. I know I drove you into Jolene's arms, and she's a sweet girl and all, but nothing is etched in stone here and you know it. You know how you and your pal Peter always go on about life not being cut and dried, that there's a gray area out there that hovers over everything? Well, I got news for you, Bud. We have a giant gray area hovering over us, and we aren't through. You can pretend otherwise, but you'd be kidding yourself too. I love you. And I will always love you. Nadine."

So there you have it. Nadine throwing down the gauntlet and me wondering if she's really on to somethin'. Maybe we aren't through, and maybe we'll never be through. Do I still love her? In some ways, yes, I admit that I do. I can't help it, and I'd be lying to myself if I said otherwise. I mean we may have been highly dysfunctional at times and way too crazy for so-called "real" life, but then again what does "real" life have to do with anything? Since when does "real" life have to fit in some neat little boxed definition? We certainly never did when we were together. We were misfits, yet we fit each other like a pair of spandex gloves. We were rebels who went against the grain, and when we hooked up it was like magic. It might not have worked for anyone else, but it sure as hell worked for us, at least for a while anyway.

I snapped myself out of my momentary delusional daydream before it went any further. What the hell was I thinking? I just can't allow myself to go there. It always seems to go bad between us eventually, and even though she reminds me of how strong we were together way back when, too much has happened that can't be turned back or glossed over.

Besides, at the end of the day Jolene means more to me now than she ever has. Sometimes you just know who you should be with.

I shut everything down and crawled into bed, not wanting to wake Jolene. I was mentally wasted over all of this shit. As much trouble Nadine has caused me I still can't completely dismiss her, which speaks to the connection we once had. But the woman for me was right next to me and with that final thought, I started to doze off...

Just as I was fading away I heard Jolene say, "So how's Nadine?"

I've said this before and I'll say it again, but how, or better yet why does your significant other wait until that very last second before you fall out to have a serious discussion? It's just uncanny how they do that. The last possible thing I wanted to do right then and there was talk about Nadine, but I had no choice, I was trapped. And there was no use pretending I hadn't talked to her either.

"She's okay."

The room was deathly silent. And dark.

"You know, Bud, she's never going to give up on the idea of having you or wanting you," Jolene just started right in. "It really comes down to what you want. I can only do so much. I love you with everything I have and I don't know how I'd live without you, but if you force me to I will walk away and never look back. I'm warning you, Bud. I'm out of patience here."

With that, she leaned over and kissed me, and rolled over to go back to sleep.

There was no danger of me dozing off now, I can assure you. I lay there thinking about everything that had happened up until this point with these two women and everything that we'd been through. It has been some roller-coaster ride to be sure, with highs and lows of such extremes that it's almost incomprehensible - with gunfire thrown in to boot. But now it was just me. Thinking and re-hashing and thinking some more. Wide awake with my thoughts and playing back a kaleidoscope of images...

Nadine ridin' next to me in the goddamn Mustang, with her red mane streaming behind her in the hot breeze, the sun setting Austin ablaze in that unreal early evening summer glow.

Jolene sitting down next to me on the plane, and being totally mesmerized the first time I laid eyes on her.

Nadine talking her way out of a ticket on the side of the road by sweet talkin' a state trooper to the point that he gave me a lecture and a warning for encouraging her to speed.

Sitting on Nadine's veranda, watching the stars, holding hands and thinking that it couldn't possibly get any better than that very moment in time.

The incredible week spent with the irresistible Jolene while Nadine was in New York, and then walking away from her thinking I'd never see her again.

Nadine going off the deep end after finding out about Jolene, to the point that she plugged me - twice.

Waking up in the hospital groggy and disoriented, with a doctor and nurse hovering over me, and Jolene appearing a moment later squeezing my hand and kissing me and telling me everything was going to be okay.

And a little more than a year later watching Jolene almost succumb to a runaway infection and feeling so helpless as I watched my world slip away.

And of course running into Nadine in the middle of the night outside of El Arroyo. Hell, running into Nadine anywhere, for that matter.


It was all crashing around my head in a fast forward blur. I looked at my watch and it was 4:00AM, and I hadn't slept at all. Not one little bit.


The only thing that I can say at this point is that the more you know about life its own self, the more you just never know. You can say how things should be and you can nod your head acknowledging what the "right" thing to do is, but things aren't always that easy or clear cut. We can all look back and say woulda-coulda-shoulda and understand what we did wrong or where we went astray, because that's easy to do in hindsight.

But it's when you're in the thick of things that life gets "real." It's popular these days to hear people say that they're just living life "in the moment" but I question whether most of them who are saying that really understand what the hell they're talking about. Because life is made up of fleeting moments of hell and unbridled elation punctuated by long periods of day-to-day sameness.

It's easy to sit back and say what we should do or should have done. It's much harder to live life on the fly, knowing full well that those fleeting moments are the ones you're going to cling to for the rest of your days.

I didn't bother looking at the clock. I didn't have to, because the faint glow of dawn was beginning to make its presence felt.

I was exhausted. I had been run over by a truckload of my own life's memories, and now I was going to have to choose my next path carefully.

Adios until the next time.